Bitter relationships: How to let go

You worth more than a bitter relationship, go for gold.

A few years back I was someone you could easily walk all over. I was afraid to let go of friendships because I feared having no one in my life.

My friend would call me a party geek because I do attend all friends ceremony just to stay connected with them and foster the ties of the friendship but I became so embittered as non of them make out time to appreciate me for been present in their occasions.

My wake-up call came when I had to get home later than the 8:00pm bench mark of my mother all in the name of been a Master of Ceremony at a friend's birthday party. Even though I was barely scolded, I knew it was time to make a change.

I had to let go of old friends who I only hung around to avoid loneliness, as well as one-way relationships. When you cleanse your life, both physically and emotionally, you create space for something better.

I was tired of holding on to this lady for whom at an obvious time I meant nothing; I wanted a relationship that would make me feel alive not the type that will suck up my energy because I'm playing the role of a sacrificial lamb to make it work.

I was tired of holding on to unhealthy friendships; I wanted friendships that would make me feel supported.

I realized I had to stop sacrificing myself and my happiness for others. It isn’t healthy. Doing something out of love, to be helpful, is different from doing it out of fear or need, because you want validation.
I also knew this would help me attract healthier relationships. When you start doing things for yourself, it is easier for people to pick up on that energy and they can easily see and appreciate you for who you are.

Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive.When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.

We can face a lot of resistance when we try to let go of people especially those we hold in high esteem to the extent of wanting to count them as family relations . A call, thought, or memory is enough to reel us back in time and erase the thought of letting go from our heart.

The ego loves instant gratification. The soul knows something better awaits us because it is obvious that if we could use half of the strength we are using in this relationship in a better relationship, events will actually turn out to favour us rather than witch hunting us. We’ve got to do the work to move past resistance, and the only way is to move through it.

If you, like me, have considered letting someone go, ask yourself these questions:

How do you feel in their presence: drained or alive? Does the person always have your best interests in mind? Do they belittle you when you share your feelings? Do they make promises and never follow up?

If you answered yes to the final two questions, it might be time to move on to make space in your life for healthy, happy relationships.

If you’re afraid of letting someone go, realize you are doing them a favor. You’re not only creating space in your own life, you’re also creating space in theirs so they can find someone who is a better energetic match for them.

It’s never easy to let go of the past, but when the pain of holding on is far greater than the pain of letting go, it’s time to take the leap.

I’ve started incorporating a few practices into my daily life that help me let go; I hope they help you too.

1. Express your feelings in a letter.
Focus on one relationship that’s draining you and write a letter to the person you want to let go. Pour out your feelings onto the paper. The letter can be as long or short as you want.
End the letter with, “I release you across all space and time. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.” Fold the paper, burn it, and bury it in the ground to signify a complete release to the universe. This particular ritual is magical. I instantly start to feel lighter.

2. Clear your physical space.
Physical cleaning is so helpful when you are letting go of the past. Our physical space is a representation of what we’re giving space in our life.
Sell or donate any gifts you received, and burn any letters from the person you’re tying to let go. Mine got so bad to the extent that when I was backing out from this bitter relationship, I could not point at one thing this lady gave me as a gift; we had a photograph together at my house on my sister's birthday, she insisted on keeping it. You’re going to face a lot of resistance; you’ll come up with reasons to hold on to these things if you find any. Remind yourself that this is crucial to moving on and feeling happier with yourself and your life.

3. Get clear on what you need.
Write down how you want to feel in your life and within your relationships.
This is how I want my life and relationships to feel:
Alive
Filled with laughter
Supportive
Loving
Understanding
If you’re not sure how you want to feel on the whole, start with just the immediate future. How do you want to feel this month?

4. Start filling the empty space.
Now that you’ve created space by releasing unhealthy relationships, write a list of activities that will help you feel and experience your desires. For example, you could join a dance group to feel alive.
Put a little time into your passion every day. Writing makes me come alive, so I make sure to write daily.
As you start dedicating time to things that are important to you, the right people will come into your life—people who see and appreciate you for who you really are.

5. Toxic Relationships: How to Let Go When It's Unhappily Ever After
If life ran like a storybook, the person we fall in love would not be the person who broke us. Sadly, we humans tend to be a bit more human than that. We fall in love, we commit, we get hurt – over and over – and we stay.  People need people, but sometimes the cost is a heavy one. When it’s a toxic relationship, the breakage can be far-reaching.

Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.
A bad relationship isn’t about being on the downward slide of the usual relationship ups and downs. It is one that consistently steals your joy and follows you around with that undeniable clamour that this isn’t how it’s meant to be.
Knowing when to let go.
Sometimes the signs are clear – emotional and physical abuse, constant criticism, lying, cheating, emotional starvation. Sometimes there is nothing outstandingly obvious – it just doesn’t feel right. Perhaps it did once but that ended long ago. The signs might lie in the loneliness, a gentle but constant heartache, a lack of security, connection or intimacy or the distance between you both.

Whatever it involves, there are important needs that stay hungry, for one of both people in the relationship. The relationship exists but that’s all it does, and sometimes barely even that. It doesn’t thrive and it doesn’t nurture. It is maintained, not through love and connection, but through habit.

Sometimes there are circumstances that make leaving difficult. Sometimes though, there’s nothing in your way except you.
Some of the signs that you might be addicted to the relationship are:
You know it’s bad, but you stay.
You want more for yourself, but you stay.
There are important needs in you that are so hungry (intimacy, connection, friendship, love, security, respect), and you know in this relationship they’ll stay that way. But you stay.
You have tried ending the relationship before, but the pain of being on your own always brings you back.
What to do when leaving feels as bad as staying.
Leaving any relationship is difficult. Leaving a bad one isn’t necessarily any easier. The shift from powerless to empowered is a gentle one, but lies in the way you experience the relationship. It often takes as much resourcefulness, energy and strength to stay in a bad relationship as it does to leave. With a shift in mindset, experience and expectation, the resources you use to stay and to blind out the seething hopelessness of it all can be used to propel you forward.
5. Be present.
The pull to live in the past (the way it was/ the way I was) or in the future (it will get better – I just need to find the switch) can be spectacular, but the energy to move forward exists fully in the present. It’s always there, but you have to be in the present to access it. To do this, fully experience the relationship as it is, without needing to change it or control it.
No relationship is perfect. All couples fight and hurt each other and say and do things they shouldn’t. That’s a normal part of living and loving together. The problem comes with having to repeatedly live in the past or the future to tolerate the present – the abuse, the harm, the insecurity, the jealousy, the loneliness and the grief of the relationship as it stands – just so that it’s easier to stay.

When you try to let go of someone, don’t be surprised if they reach out more than they usually would. They can energetically sense that you’re letting go of them.

When this happened to me, I decided  to have a one-on-one talk and be frank about why I’d decided to move on. Do what is best for you.

The entire process may seem overwhelming; take it one step at a time, and be aware of the emotions that will come up. If you remember that this is a normal part of letting go, and remind yourself of why you decided to move on, it will be easier to stick to your decision, in spite of your feelings.

I pray you have the courage to let go of your past.

I pray you make room for your best life to unfold.

I pray you live a life beyond your wildest imagination.

N.B Let go but do not write-off, just make a clear cut line between the two of you and create a space enough for merely getting in touch. Never be a no-second-chance person.